Greetings!
After a long sabbatical crisscrossing the globe in my personal 727 airliner to bring you the latest news on efforts to save the environment, I am proud to bring you news stories from around the world on various local efforts to combat global warming!
Today's installment comes from County Sussex, in South East England, where one intrepid man intends to cure ignorance of impending climate change with bold action. Last May, George Percy Biddlemeyer-Smythe returned from a trip to the local pub after joining his mates for 17 pints of bitter, where he had conceived the rudiments of a plan to teach the world about the wonders of the avian community and just what a tragedy it would be if we were to lose any of its members to climate change. Neighbors spoke to me about George's passion for the birds, which is reflected in his ardent desire to teach others to appreciate them as much as he appreciates them.
Upon waking the next morning with an aching head, George remembered the idea he had been so taken with the night before and began to act on his brilliant plan. He phoned up his mates to remind them of their pledges to help, and soon formed an exploratory committee to investigate the feasibility of his plan. After careful consideration and research, the committee gave him the thumbs-up and they started fund raising efforts to finance the plan.
Money was gathered through the sale of baked goods, garage sales, and the donated efforts to raise funds by male and female strip-tease acts. The goal: build a really large cage to house some birds so people could see them up close and appreciate their lovely plumage and fearsome beaks. After witnessing such majesty, who could help but pitch in to use public transportation more often or quit leaving on the tap while brushing their teeth? In the end, George and his mates raised enough money to build the cage and stock it with 17 owls, 5 falcons, 3 hawks, 2 starlings, and an elderly wren. The enthusiasm this display has produced with the public has been simply amazing. George reports several requests for a new display featuring only roosters outfitted with razor blades on their feet and a large seating area around the display. Such success!
Unfortunately, their display has encountered some trouble as they failed to accurately predict the right food in correct amounts for their educational aviary. George and his mates have announced an urgent need for further funds to help them purchase this food, but recognizing that times are tough all over, will gladly accept donations of voles, mice, and millet seed in lieu of cash.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Bean Curd - Even More Useful Than Ever!
Oh, Gorpers, is there anything more useful to our brethren (or sistren?) than bean curd? Researchers have discovered yet another use for this magical bean product. A new combination has been found to maximize the lifespan of dreadlocks...read on my friends, and enjoy the fruits of the bean!
Intensive research has shown than a handful of bean curd, rubbed vigorously into one's hair (any hair!) can increase your hair's ability to hold dust, and thus your dreadlocks, in place up to 5 times longer than simple lard, or even your own natural hair grease. When bean curd is added to the hair between midnight and 3am while listening to the music of the Grateful Dead, and then immediately dusted with loam, dreadlocks last an average of 4.5 to 5.5 times longer. To get the most benefit, gorpers are encouraged to seek out dirt from a federally funded national park. The larger the budget of the park, the longer-lasting are the effects say researchers. So, for instance, dirt gathered from within Grand Teton National Park would have a strong effect in prolonging dreadlocks, but the dirt from Yellowstone would provide a longer-lasting head of dreadlocks. Go forth and be dreadful!
Intensive research has shown than a handful of bean curd, rubbed vigorously into one's hair (any hair!) can increase your hair's ability to hold dust, and thus your dreadlocks, in place up to 5 times longer than simple lard, or even your own natural hair grease. When bean curd is added to the hair between midnight and 3am while listening to the music of the Grateful Dead, and then immediately dusted with loam, dreadlocks last an average of 4.5 to 5.5 times longer. To get the most benefit, gorpers are encouraged to seek out dirt from a federally funded national park. The larger the budget of the park, the longer-lasting are the effects say researchers. So, for instance, dirt gathered from within Grand Teton National Park would have a strong effect in prolonging dreadlocks, but the dirt from Yellowstone would provide a longer-lasting head of dreadlocks. Go forth and be dreadful!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Campaign To Mitigate Odiferous Cats (CT-MOC)
There is a campaign afoot to help cats smell better, or to be more precise, to make the odor of cats more appealing to those who smell them. On the surface, some may question the need to provide a better-smelling cat, but those who find the odor of cats offensive, or even life-threatening, would argue for a need for change.
Cats have traditionally been accused of smelling of urine or litter boxes. While there is a minority of Gorpers who might argue that the urine smell that is naturally associated with a cat is a good thing, no one who has actually experienced this smell would agree, Gorper or not! It is such a pungent "aroma" that most municipal governments and several nations have enacted legislation to mitigate public exposure to these unfortunate smells. Something, many would vociferously argue, must be done!
One recent attempt to move towards a more socially acceptable smell amongst cats involves a competition to find a collection of aromas, perfumes if you will, that are acceptable to both cats and those who come into contact with them. Imagine those Chili Cook-offs that you see at so many summer events and further imagine a similar competition to create a smell best suited to the tastes of those exposed to cats.
In Western Wyoming, we recently had such a competition. Formulas for cat aromas included many interesting ingredients. One included "rodent intestines" as the main ingredient. This particular formula scored high with the feline members of the judging panel, but not so high with the human participants, who voted Hillchester and Sons cologne as a more suitable scent, which included such ingredients as epsom salts and "fir essences" (note the spelling was not "fur"!)
Cats have traditionally been accused of smelling of urine or litter boxes. While there is a minority of Gorpers who might argue that the urine smell that is naturally associated with a cat is a good thing, no one who has actually experienced this smell would agree, Gorper or not! It is such a pungent "aroma" that most municipal governments and several nations have enacted legislation to mitigate public exposure to these unfortunate smells. Something, many would vociferously argue, must be done!
One recent attempt to move towards a more socially acceptable smell amongst cats involves a competition to find a collection of aromas, perfumes if you will, that are acceptable to both cats and those who come into contact with them. Imagine those Chili Cook-offs that you see at so many summer events and further imagine a similar competition to create a smell best suited to the tastes of those exposed to cats.
In Western Wyoming, we recently had such a competition. Formulas for cat aromas included many interesting ingredients. One included "rodent intestines" as the main ingredient. This particular formula scored high with the feline members of the judging panel, but not so high with the human participants, who voted Hillchester and Sons cologne as a more suitable scent, which included such ingredients as epsom salts and "fir essences" (note the spelling was not "fur"!)
Friday, April 5, 2013
Dip and Sway
Word has reached the Gorper Nation Times about a camping trip gone awry in Western North Carolina. The Snackin' Days Travel Agency, which specializes in vacation experiences for people who wish to eat snacks in exotic locations, recently brought a group of 732 people with high hopes of diping their snacks with tasty, natural dressings or dips to Skinny Dip Falls, which is southwest of Asheville, NC. The travel agency thought Skinny Dip Falls was a naturally occurring waterfall made up of healthy, weight-reducing snack dips instead of water. Instead, the tour group found themselves confronting a small body of water, fed by a bubbling waterfall, filled with naked nature-goers. Several startled snack enthusiasts began to berate the bares they found in nature only to find the local sheriff, Bubba "Buff" Bunyon, amongst the stream-fed streakers. A sad case of gorper vs. gorper if ever there was one! Streaker and snack-fan alike agreed to the need for arbitration as threats of suit and counter-suit were exchanged regarding who had ruined who's recreational opportunity.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Dude-up!
Gorpers of the world, rejoice, for there is an newly recognized philosophy, a religion some would say, that speaks to you. It combines the mellow essences of several more recognized belief systems, Christianity, Taoism, and Buddhism to name a few. I give you--Dudeism, or more formally, The Church of the Latter-Day Dude. There is a Website that explains it all, man, and if you were meant to find it, I believe you will. It provides a mechanism for those with a Dudeist calling to become a Dudeist Priest. Learn more through such available literature as the Abide Guide, and the Dude de Ching! Learn about Great Dudes in History, such as Lao Tzu, Heraclitus, Jeffrey Lewbowski, and Sarah Silverman. Above all, learn to Abide, Gorper!
This just in! The Church of the Latter-Day Dude is negotiating for the purchase of the Chapel of the Transfiguration, a functioning Episcopal church within Grand Teton National Park. The idea is to create a Dudeist Sanctuary, where one can Abide in a peaceful setting. Incidentally, there is talk that the site is also sought after as a place to safely spread the ashes of the departed, so that the fate of the ashes (blown back in the face of the spreaders) of Dudeist Martyr, "Donny", is not repeated
This just in! The Church of the Latter-Day Dude is negotiating for the purchase of the Chapel of the Transfiguration, a functioning Episcopal church within Grand Teton National Park. The idea is to create a Dudeist Sanctuary, where one can Abide in a peaceful setting. Incidentally, there is talk that the site is also sought after as a place to safely spread the ashes of the departed, so that the fate of the ashes (blown back in the face of the spreaders) of Dudeist Martyr, "Donny", is not repeated
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Do Your Part to Keep Things Afloat
This coming Friday, at 6:00pm, there will be a fund raising event at the Hip Hip Frappe, which had to change it's name from the Hip Hip Puree following an injunction from a baby food smoothie company recently. The fund raiser is to gather seed money to start a company to produce a line of bath flotation devices for cats.
For years, cat enthusiasts have remarked that many cats, contrary to popular belief, seem to want to join their owners in a convivial, mutual soak in the tub, but are poor swimmers in general, and poor floaters in particular. The aim of the proposed company is to provide products to help these aquatic-wannabe cats fulfill their feline desires.
Towards, this end, two designs have been submitted to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office thus far. The first is an ingenious version of "water wings", specially adapted for the cat anatomy. These are envisioned as devices to get cats who are new to this whole bath business into the tub safely and comfortably so they can get used to their new watery, and even bubbly, environment. The second design is for the advanced water-going moggy, and is more of a flotation pillow, that supports the neck while keeping the cat afloat on its back. A more pricey model might include a receptacle with attached straw to provide a drink of milk, cream, or water to the floating feline. A third design was proposed and tested but early results showed it was impractical. The rejected design resembled the kind of pool mattress used by humans, but overly-relaxed cats tended to roll over accidentally, tipping into the water, or sinking themselves when they tried to use it as a floating scratching post.
Join your peers for an evening of delicious, gorper-friendly smoothies and shakes at the Hip Hip Frappe on Friday night - an event that is sure to bring the community together, and, hopefully, raise wads of dough for a worthy cause. The Hip Hip Frappe is donating 100% of its profits for the event to the cause and donations are welcome!
For years, cat enthusiasts have remarked that many cats, contrary to popular belief, seem to want to join their owners in a convivial, mutual soak in the tub, but are poor swimmers in general, and poor floaters in particular. The aim of the proposed company is to provide products to help these aquatic-wannabe cats fulfill their feline desires.
Towards, this end, two designs have been submitted to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office thus far. The first is an ingenious version of "water wings", specially adapted for the cat anatomy. These are envisioned as devices to get cats who are new to this whole bath business into the tub safely and comfortably so they can get used to their new watery, and even bubbly, environment. The second design is for the advanced water-going moggy, and is more of a flotation pillow, that supports the neck while keeping the cat afloat on its back. A more pricey model might include a receptacle with attached straw to provide a drink of milk, cream, or water to the floating feline. A third design was proposed and tested but early results showed it was impractical. The rejected design resembled the kind of pool mattress used by humans, but overly-relaxed cats tended to roll over accidentally, tipping into the water, or sinking themselves when they tried to use it as a floating scratching post.
Join your peers for an evening of delicious, gorper-friendly smoothies and shakes at the Hip Hip Frappe on Friday night - an event that is sure to bring the community together, and, hopefully, raise wads of dough for a worthy cause. The Hip Hip Frappe is donating 100% of its profits for the event to the cause and donations are welcome!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Hand Jive
While the staff at Gorper Nation Times is dedicated to issues of direct importance to the Gorper Nation, we do sometimes find ourselves reading materials that may have a wider applicability than to Gorpertude alone, and we feel compelled to write about the writing that we done read [supposed to rhyme with "red" I presume--editor] and spread the Good Word[s] to a wider audience [what a horrible sentence! But it is late, I will let it slide--editor]
On reading Talk to the Hand , by Lynne Truss tonight, I came upon this wonderful bit: "We may draw the line at grooming the alpha male or rolling over on our backs with our tummies in the air, but if we just say sorry at the exact right point, we believe that we may avoid being brained by a screeching savage wielding a bleached thigh-bone." And who could argue with that sentiment? What prose! What turn of phrase! What imagery! It gives the GNT a standard to shoot for at least. Good night and may the screeching savage's thigh-bone miss your precious brain, fellow Gorpers!
On reading Talk to the Hand , by Lynne Truss tonight, I came upon this wonderful bit: "We may draw the line at grooming the alpha male or rolling over on our backs with our tummies in the air, but if we just say sorry at the exact right point, we believe that we may avoid being brained by a screeching savage wielding a bleached thigh-bone." And who could argue with that sentiment? What prose! What turn of phrase! What imagery! It gives the GNT a standard to shoot for at least. Good night and may the screeching savage's thigh-bone miss your precious brain, fellow Gorpers!
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